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Adam Sandler stand-up dirty jokes
First Dick Pic and Vagina fart girls
Adam Sandler’s Dirty Jokes from Stand-up Comedy Shows
Adam Sandler Stand-up dirty joke 1 : The First Dick Pic
I did my first dick pic, everybody. Thank you.
Dick pic that’s a weird thing to do, I gotta say.
There’s no reason for me to do it, I’m f**kin’ married!
But all my friends do ‘em, so, I’m like, “What the f**k? Let me just, at least I can be part of a conversation.”
When they’re talking about their dick pics, I can go, “Oh! Yes! definitely!”
So, I do my first dick pic, I look back at it, there’s a ghost in the background!
So there’s a ghost in the image, and I’m like I live in a f**kin' haunted house?
I had no idea, I wanna show everybody because what are the chances of catching that?
But my dick doesn’t look as good as I want it to look in the image . . .
Plus, you know the f**kin' ghost was really tall, so, he made my dick not look exact.
Plus, the f**kin' ghost was holding a ruler next to my dick!
And I was like, “What the f**k is your problem?” to the ghost!
The ghost was like, “I live here too! I like to have fun!”
My daughter plays basketball, my nine year old daughter.
So I go and see her play basketball, and she’s a sweetheart of a kid, and every time they put the kid in the game!
I get so excited I take my video camera out, and I f**kin' video everything she does.
A couple Sundays ago, I’m videoing my daughter, and another dad goes, “Hey! Can you email me that when you’re done?”
And I go, “Yeah! Absolutely! Dude!”, and then I’m videoing my kid.
And then, I remembered actually when I video my kid, I say a lot of things, and that’s always not stuff I want other people to hear . . .
I’m always like, “Okay! You got it! You little cutie! You got the ball! you’re so good!”
“Look how good you are! little Danny LaVar!”
“Pass it to my kid! Somebody pass it to my kid! I’ll break your f**kin' neck! I swear to god!”
“Get the f**kin' ball to my f**kin' kid! You all suck out there!”
Then I was like, “I better not email that to that man there”, so I just emailed him the ghost dick pic . . .
The guys like “What the f**k’s with the ruler?”
I go “Yeah! I don’t know. The ghost is an asshole, f**k that guy! I’m with ya!”
Adam Sandler Stand-up dirty joke 2 : The Vagina Fart Girls
The vagina fart girls, I gotta say still gets you every time, every body, every fellow here, enjoys them so much.
Just keep them coming, girls, It just provides entertainment in the bedroom!
Guys do not say nothing about it, guys will f**kin' ignore it every time!
Just because, you know, if you comment on it, it's f**kin' over!
You're gettin’ up and leavin’ and that's it - so you're like, “okay! Whatever the f**k that was, let's keep going forward!”
I have been “face-to-face” with the vagina fart I've been tagged pretty hard by my wife right there, I don't say shit.
You know, I might go like, "Uh..."
I might give her one of those, Hey! Now!
But I always get right back in there and finish off when I started.
You know, if my wife hits me with like four or five of them in a row, I might say, "I think you've got to do some f**kin' jumping jacks or some shit!”
You know, get a Q-Tip, f**kin' pop that you got something's wrong, something's going on with you!
But when you come back, I'll f**kin' finish you good I promise you if it was reversed let me just say the girls would not be as sweet to us if there was a dick fart, if there was such a there's no dick fart, but if there was a dick fart and it would be nothing.
It's such a little hole. The sound would be nothing!
Your vaginas literally are like acoustically f**kin' made to blast out a boomer!
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